Today has been a highly anticipated one for me. First off, since sunday evening i have been counting every second, calculating how long it would take for friday to come by again. Everyone does so – workers, students, party-goers….even miscreants! Yes, both the good and the bad(how i pray the good Lord touch their hearts) of the society look forward to another weekend.

Yours faithfully has been looking forward to this day for two reasons. First, i get to start preparing for a weekend from the office (*****stretches and screams “yayyyyyy!!!” ******). Second, i get to have the world’s most anticipated date ever!(Please don’t ask for details). As i write, am already living my expectations. Okay, expectation two has been experienced and it was fantastic. Expectation one is still underway. Currently, am hanging out with friends at the Ikeja shopping mall….. My friends are taunting me to drop my gadget and partake in the already served chicken and chips with chilled pepsi (how many times will i take that today? Oh, i didn’t tell you – that’s what i had on my date).

Alright fellas, gat to go…. ‘Savour’ the aroma some pix below have to offer….. Ciao!

It was almost three a.m and the vigil was getting thicker. The guest prophet, a smallish man on cheap suit had been on for about four hours now. His suit was drenched in sweat capable of quenching a storey building on fire, if squeezed. He had been performing signs and wonders all the while, telling people their problems and which way the heavens wanted them to go about solving them. I have been a spectator for a larger part of the service. It’s not that I was not moved by all he had done. Who wouldn’t be? The man was pulling some pretty stunts out there. Earlier in the service, he had brought out three brothers (the oldest couldn’t be more than eleven years old) and revealed they all were little wizards who tormented the businesses of their parents. Their parents, quite surprisingly, looked on with satisfaction. Maybe they had also suspected their kids of foul play. The boys later confessed and agreed that they were, but not after the prophet made them drink twelve bottles of GOYA olive oil (really? It looked more of groundnut oil from where I sat) each, and threatened he would make them drink much more if they continued denying the ‘truth’. The crowd applauded. Later, the prophet brought out a woman and revealed that the reason she couldn’t conceive in her marriage was because somebody – maybe a woman in her compound, didn’t like her face.
“I know the woman, Prophet,” the woman had eagerly concurred before the prophet could move on to his next words.
“Rejoice, oh daughter of Zion, for Heaven has smiled on you this day,” the delighted prophet said.
He prophesied the Hosts of Heaven would release her womb to her. “But you will have to register your name first on heaven’s roll. I can see on Heaven’s Miracle List a lot of names. Your name is nowhere to be found…”
The woman looked sad.
“But,” the prophet quickly added. “You can provoke heaven to attend to your case by making a sacrifice like never before.”
The woman promised to triple her tithe…
Moving on, the prophet picked out two people from the choir stand – a man, who should be in his mid-thirties and a girl who should be in her mid-twenties. He revealed they were solving ‘bedimathics’…
So, you see, the vigil had been interesting all along. But my mind was set on something far away from where I was. I should be happy, but I wasn’t. My birthday was the next day, and I was expecting a very full house of friends, but I had no money! All my friends knew my birthday and had called me earlier to say they were coming over to ‘share in my joy’ and what was I to do? Tell them to stay clear because I had no money? No way! So I decided to meet Bamiloye, a colleague, to borrow some cash. But by the time I got to Bami’s house, he was already dressed up for this vigil. Before I could make my request, he asked me to join him to the prayer house. And what was I to say again?
“Err…sorry Bee, I can’t come. I just wanted to borrow som-some money from you…”
That wouldn’t sound courteous enough for a person who needed help. I had to thread softly. And that’s what I was still doing. Once the vigil was over, I would make my request.
As I thought of how best to make my request, I heard a loud voice directed at me.
“Oh Son of Zion, come out!” The scrawny index finger of the prophet pointed at me.
Oh noo nooo, this can’t be happening.Daddy Jesus, please not today, I thought.
Before I knew what had hit me, two ushers pulled me out of my seat and took me to the front of the church where the prophet awaited me. The crowd applauded.
“Why do you have a heavy heart my son when you are in your father’s house?” the prophet said, looking at me in the eyes.
I didn’t know if that was rhetorical or if it demanded an answer. I looked on, confused and fidgeting.
“But rejoice, for the host of heaven have located you this day! That which you seek, you shall get it!”
Really? I didn’t know if I should smile, laugh or hug the man of God. Really? God is going to give me money? How? Most importantly, when?
“Today, you shall receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit,” the prophet said.
Wait…Baptism of what?
“Spread out your hands!” he barked.
I reluctantly obeyed.
“Thank you Holy Spirit,” he said and blew some air in my face. “Receive it!”
Gosh! The smell alone could melt mountains. I wiped my face, standing still. The prophet blew another doze of hot air, spittle coming along with it. I still stood fixed to the ground. He did it again and again. Nothing happened.
“Ohhh,” he said to the hearing of the crowd. “This brother is possessed with a familiar spirit.”
Wait, prophet. Me? Possessed with what?
And that was it, I knew I couldn’t take it anymore.
As he blew another doze, I erupted. My hands flew in different directions, my body swaying dangerously.
“Yes, the spirit is moving,” I heard him say.
If only he knew…
I spun and spun and kept on spinning. Nothing could hold me back. I left the stage and spun into the crowd. Everyone stood up from their seats and made way. I deliberately crashed onto the chairs, stood up, held my head like something had got into it, and kept on twisting like a tornado. I jumped, landed on the floor (ouch!) and rolled all over it. I kicked bags, water bottles, jotters and anything that came in my way, including humans. I spotted the prophet with one eye. He looked lost and confused. I continued the ferocious baptism for another fifteen minutes. The ushers couldn’t keep me still, not after I poked one in the eyes. I continued the nuisance for another ten minutes, and then lay still. I spotted the prophet wiping his face which streamed with oceans of sweat.
And that was how the service came to a close. The General Overseer of the church wouldn’t allow for any more miracles. Who knows? The next person may be more vicious – or worse.

*This story has been published in DEGREE360 MAGAZINE and on www.naijastories.com (under †ђξ pen-name double-oh-7) by Yours Faithfully.

I came across some pictures on Olufamous’ blog and they immediately caught my fancy. My crazy curious mind started playing the trick. I started hearing voices telling me to weave a story around the pictures. The above titles came to mind. Now, am in a crossfire as regards which story to start first. As i mull over what shape my characters would take, savour the curiosity this pics provoke.

NOTE: I may end up not writing any story after all…. That’s the beauty of a curious mind. They never lack muses….

IF JESUS WERE TO BE BORN TODAY…

As reported by Double Oh Seven
Senior Correspondent (Koko Newspaper)

Recently, a video flick was posted by a thirteen-year old Israeli boy on YouTube. The flick is claimed to be the video of the much anticipated birth of The Messiah in a manger as prophesied by the Jewish Prophets of about six thousand years ago. If this video is anything to go by, then faithful of the Jewish sect – The Brethren (which presently is almost in every country of the world) are in for happy times as this, they believe will shut their doubters. However, when confronted with the said birth of the messiah, the Secretary to the President of the United States on Foreign Affairs, Ms. Hilary Lipton retorted, “Listen to yourself. How can the Messiah be born in a manger of all places? For crying out loud, this (America) is God’s own country! Where else would God choose to drop his son than here?” When asked by pressmen if the United States Government was not concerned the Israelis may recruit the boy into their military as the prophets of old prophesied he would be capable of many things ( like making a nuclear weapon?), the Secretary replied, “If the story of the boy’s birth is true…. then the U.S definitely won’t sit back. Yes, we are concerned. Umm, all I can say now is that we’ve got the best scientists in the world, so we will really consider cloning our own messiah. What can’t our scientists do?”

Meanwhile, members of the religious Jewish Sect in the West African country of Nigeria are in a mood of frenzy about the news. The President, Goodluck Nathaniel is a senior member of the sect. Just last week, he appeared on the American T.V Station, Cable News Network (CNN) declaring that the self-acclaimed ‘Giant of Africa’ is considering making the baby a crib for a present. Hear him, “It is not going to be just any crib. It is going to be the world’s biggest crib. The Ministry of Interior Decoration have contacted some of the world’s finest construction firms and we are going to make a crib as big as the World Trade Centre of blessed Memory.” This news is coming on the heels of the country’s failed attempt to make the world’s biggest cake at its fiftieth Anniversary, but the President is not perturbed. “We know we made a mistake, but this time, we shall get it right!” he enthused.

The President isn’t the only one planning to welcome the Messiah. All around the Western African country, posters, fliers and billboards have been circulated and erected with the inscription, “Bomboi Jesu…9ja loves you!” The President’s wife is reported to be organising a high delegation of women groups to visit the child, all dressed in customised Ankara with the inscription, “Messiah, 9ja’s first Lady loves you. Na U b d Koko!” In the Neighbouring country of Ghana, President Jacob Zuma-Rock has hinted what should be expected of them. “We are sending the boy and his mother five hundred million cedis (C500,000,000). I mean FIVE HUNDRED MILLION CEDIS.” Some few years back, that amount would be five hundred naira (N500), Nigerian currency.

Citizens of Britain are not taking reports of the birth of The Messiah in Israel likely. Some don’t even believe it’s true. “How can it be?” a Londoner replied when faced with the issue. “The prophets of old claimed The Messiah will be from the house of David, right? But the only David who is making the waves right now is David Beckham but Becks says there has been no new born in his lineage. Or could the prophets have meant David Luiz of Chelsea instead?”

In Russia, the story is spreading like wild fire. Usmarov, the world’s richest man was featured in this month’s issue of Forbes Magazine. The multi-billion dollar rich oil mogul revealed he is aware of the birth. “I have heard of it,” he said in an Exclusive interview. “And I think its great news for the world. I mean, we have waited for it for like how long? – Six thousand years? Geez, that’s like forever! I am just happy it is happening during my time. I could invest in that area, who knows?” The wealthy billionaire however, didn’t reveal how he intends to invest in the boy’s birth. “It is top business secret,” he said.

The Entertainment world is not unaware of the hype. Top Hollywood celebrities, Brat Pit and Angel Jolie are conspiring to adopt the baby. “The world knows how much we love babies,” Jolie said in a press briefing before boarding a plane for Israel. “But this is not just about adopting another baby. This baby was born in the most unpleasant of places and circumstances. A manger? How is the mother fairing? So you see, We are not just going to adopt another baby. We are going to save a life, to help a family in need and above all, to save the world.”

Hollywood award-winning director, James Cameronia revealed he is really considering doing a movie on the birth of the boy. “Only this time, he will not be born in a manger,” he said on channel E! “No one will buy such movie. You know, people want action. In my movie, he will be born in a casino…We are considering casting Matt Daemon as his father and Halle Berry as his mom…..Umm, don’t let me tell you the movie even before it goes on set. Just hold your breath. You will love it.”

Back in the West African country of Nigeria, some Nollywood producers are having the same idea. One of them, Fred Atama tells us a little bit of what to expect. “I think we will either use Aki or Pawpaw to play the part of the baby Messiah. Those boys are a bundle of talent and either of them will play the role just fine.”

 
*Story already published in DEGREE360 MAGAZINE and on www.naijastories.com (under †ђξ pen-name double-oh-7) by Yours Faithfully.

If you don’t want to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, make sure you had slept on the right side of it the night before – the very right side.
Harold Benson

What is the worst thing that could happen to a man? Losing a mega contract? Getting ditched on the eve of your wedding? Being caught in the act?
I think the worst thing that could happen to a man is going to sleep, on the wrong side of the bed. Relax. Don’t get me wrong. Any of the above would pass. But to put things in perspective, if you go to bed with any of them in mind, you definitely would be going to sleep, on the wrong side of the bed. And when you wake up the next day – anything you do, touch or say would be a mess, because you definitely would be waking up on the wrong side of the bed as well.
I recently happened to find myself in that annoying spot – going to bed on the wrong side of it. The night in question was supposed to be a unique one. Sandra, a girl i had been wooing for some time had just got into town and i was determined to give her a treat. The treat – i gave her; i took her shopping; and then we went to the beach; we followed that up with having a walk before we finally rounded up the night at the movies. As i drove her home, we talked about stuffs. Well, she did most of the talking – she kept blushing about the movie we had just seen, the clothes and accessories i bought her earlier in the day, my nice heart, how handsome i still looked….blah blah blah. All the while, i waited patiently for her to get to the part where she would give me her decision on my proposal – was she ready to be my boo? She never did.
We got to her parents’ house, alighted from the car and i walked her to the gate. I was determined not to lose two things that same night – her decision and a good night kiss (at least for a job well done – the treat). So i placed one hand on the wall, using the other to stroke her hair.
“So you are not going to even give me a good night kiss?” I said, trying to act cool even though i was desperate for it.
She smiled and pulled my hand away from her hair.
“Dear, you know i…i can’t do that – atleast, not at this stage. I know we are getting too involved by the day, but i still need some time to figure out what we are getting ourselves into,” she said, looking at me with her dreary, innocent eyes.
The atmosphere was becoming tense and i needed to diffuse it.
“I know why you can’t kiss me,” I said.
Surprised, she asked “Why?”
I made for her ear and whispered, “Because your dad is a Pastor?”
She burst out laughing.
“Ah ah, no nah,” she said. “My dad is a Pastor quite alright and yes, he would kill me if he knew a boy brought me home – but no, he is not the reason i won’t kiss you….”
We both laughed at my joke and i kept teasing her – even begging her, hoping she would let her guards down. I really needed that kiss. The teasing and begging continued for another twenty minutes. I had got her in the position i wanted. Her back was against the gate as she faced me; my left hand was on the wall while my right hand continually made for her hair.
I was getting there. She was beginning to trip – even though she claimed she didn’t like what we were about doing. Our lips were getting closer. And then, i heard a clang at the gate as it swung open.
The silhouette of a big man occupied the gate entrance. Sandra immediately swung around.
“Dad?” she gasped.
An avalanche of ice immediately trickled down my spine and my legs started trembling terribly. I searched for composure but lo and behold, it was as far away from me as the heavens is from the earth. My mouth immediately grew dry as i searched for words; my heart pounded like it would tear out.
Then i heard the man bark, “Sandy, whether you kiss him or not is your problem! Just tell this…this…this son of man to get his hands off my intercom! We all have been listening to you two in the parlour! My pastors, elders, deacons, ushers, choristers…everyone! Fulfil your immoral act and make your presence available!”
Without saying a word to me, her dad slammed the gate and stormed away. I stood, deep-rooted to the ground, hoping it would just open and swallow me up. But how impossible – and stupid was my wish! Now, there was no chance I was going to get that kiss anymore and worse still, i may have put the girl i cared about in some deep shit. I knew i was going to bed on the wrong side of it – and i knew the next day would be hell.

*Fiction. Adapted from a joke.