IF JESUS WERE TO BE BORN TODAY…
As reported by Double Oh Seven
Senior Correspondent (Koko Newspaper)
Recently, a video flick was posted by a thirteen-year old Israeli boy on YouTube. The flick is claimed to be the video of the much anticipated birth of The Messiah in a manger as prophesied by the Jewish Prophets of about six thousand years ago. If this video is anything to go by, then faithful of the Jewish sect – The Brethren (which presently is almost in every country of the world) are in for happy times as this, they believe will shut their doubters. However, when confronted with the said birth of the messiah, the Secretary to the President of the United States on Foreign Affairs, Ms. Hilary Lipton retorted, “Listen to yourself. How can the Messiah be born in a manger of all places? For crying out loud, this (America) is God’s own country! Where else would God choose to drop his son than here?” When asked by pressmen if the United States Government was not concerned the Israelis may recruit the boy into their military as the prophets of old prophesied he would be capable of many things ( like making a nuclear weapon?), the Secretary replied, “If the story of the boy’s birth is true…. then the U.S definitely won’t sit back. Yes, we are concerned. Umm, all I can say now is that we’ve got the best scientists in the world, so we will really consider cloning our own messiah. What can’t our scientists do?”
Meanwhile, members of the religious Jewish Sect in the West African country of Nigeria are in a mood of frenzy about the news. The President, Goodluck Nathaniel is a senior member of the sect. Just last week, he appeared on the American T.V Station, Cable News Network (CNN) declaring that the self-acclaimed ‘Giant of Africa’ is considering making the baby a crib for a present. Hear him, “It is not going to be just any crib. It is going to be the world’s biggest crib. The Ministry of Interior Decoration have contacted some of the world’s finest construction firms and we are going to make a crib as big as the World Trade Centre of blessed Memory.” This news is coming on the heels of the country’s failed attempt to make the world’s biggest cake at its fiftieth Anniversary, but the President is not perturbed. “We know we made a mistake, but this time, we shall get it right!” he enthused.
The President isn’t the only one planning to welcome the Messiah. All around the Western African country, posters, fliers and billboards have been circulated and erected with the inscription, “Bomboi Jesu…9ja loves you!” The President’s wife is reported to be organising a high delegation of women groups to visit the child, all dressed in customised Ankara with the inscription, “Messiah, 9ja’s first Lady loves you. Na U b d Koko!” In the Neighbouring country of Ghana, President Jacob Zuma-Rock has hinted what should be expected of them. “We are sending the boy and his mother five hundred million cedis (C500,000,000). I mean FIVE HUNDRED MILLION CEDIS.” Some few years back, that amount would be five hundred naira (N500), Nigerian currency.
Citizens of Britain are not taking reports of the birth of The Messiah in Israel likely. Some don’t even believe it’s true. “How can it be?” a Londoner replied when faced with the issue. “The prophets of old claimed The Messiah will be from the house of David, right? But the only David who is making the waves right now is David Beckham but Becks says there has been no new born in his lineage. Or could the prophets have meant David Luiz of Chelsea instead?”
In Russia, the story is spreading like wild fire. Usmarov, the world’s richest man was featured in this month’s issue of Forbes Magazine. The multi-billion dollar rich oil mogul revealed he is aware of the birth. “I have heard of it,” he said in an Exclusive interview. “And I think its great news for the world. I mean, we have waited for it for like how long? – Six thousand years? Geez, that’s like forever! I am just happy it is happening during my time. I could invest in that area, who knows?” The wealthy billionaire however, didn’t reveal how he intends to invest in the boy’s birth. “It is top business secret,” he said.
The Entertainment world is not unaware of the hype. Top Hollywood celebrities, Brat Pit and Angel Jolie are conspiring to adopt the baby. “The world knows how much we love babies,” Jolie said in a press briefing before boarding a plane for Israel. “But this is not just about adopting another baby. This baby was born in the most unpleasant of places and circumstances. A manger? How is the mother fairing? So you see, We are not just going to adopt another baby. We are going to save a life, to help a family in need and above all, to save the world.”
Hollywood award-winning director, James Cameronia revealed he is really considering doing a movie on the birth of the boy. “Only this time, he will not be born in a manger,” he said on channel E! “No one will buy such movie. You know, people want action. In my movie, he will be born in a casino…We are considering casting Matt Daemon as his father and Halle Berry as his mom…..Umm, don’t let me tell you the movie even before it goes on set. Just hold your breath. You will love it.”
Back in the West African country of Nigeria, some Nollywood producers are having the same idea. One of them, Fred Atama tells us a little bit of what to expect. “I think we will either use Aki or Pawpaw to play the part of the baby Messiah. Those boys are a bundle of talent and either of them will play the role just fine.”
*Story already published in DEGREE360 MAGAZINE and on http://www.naijastories.com (under †ђξ pen-name double-oh-7) by Yours Faithfully.