Just imagine a world without pants!!! When I say “pant” I am not referring to trouser. I mean pant in the original sense of the word: undies!!! I think the most underrated body wear in the world is the pant. We all can spend good chunk of cash on shirts, skirts, trousers, necklaces, rings, BRAZILIAN HAIR, but go around with just about any undies. No one really cares about what they wear underneath because it is covered. A guy would rather agree to spend N2,500 on a girl he just met than change his 6-month old undies. A girl would buy Brazilian hair worth about a hundred gees (so I heard) without breaking a sweat, but would engage in a two-hour price bargain for okrika pant under CMS bridge (like seriously!!!!) .
PANT, PANT, PANT: MAN’S BEST FRIEND
To the gents, have you ever tried wearing your trousers without pant(now called boxers ****yawns****)? If you haven’t, I urge you to! Atleast for one day! The experience is fantastic! Imagine having your bell dangle all day long. There is the story of a dude who woke up one morning, threw on his trousers and went to get something in a nearby shop. On his way back, he saw some girls giggling at him. He had thought they were tripping. On getting home, a little boy in his yard informed him there was a snake in his groin region. He bent over to take a look, but to his chagrin, his man was hanging out of his zippers.
Pants don’t just help we men keep our “stuff” in check; it gives us confidence. A pantless man is a depressed man.
PANTS OR ROPES?
You know, I haven’t really come to terms with this idea of G-strings. What in the world were they thinking when they created G-strings?!!! I thought the idea behind women wearing pants was to cover up stuffs. But I still can’t understand how G-strings are supposed to help achieve that objective. One word to the ladies: pant is man’s (woman included) best friend. If you want to bring this unique spec into disrepute, you can as well go around with a twine instead! Please don’t insult the pant by naming a rope after it. Please.

A WORD TO SAGISTS
Dear Sagists, pants were meant to be worn underneath something, not on top. If you think your pant is that cool,please you can wear it and it only. Don’t insult the pant by showing a bit of it to the world. It is either you show it all,or you join the rest of the civilised world and don’t show it at all. We already know you are wearing a pant. Thanks.

Let me give you some things to ponder on:
1.When was the last time you changed the department of your wardrobe containing your panties?
2.What’s the most you have ever spent on a pant(boxers,undie,whatever….PANT IS PANT)?
3. Have you ever bought pant as a birthday present for somebody?
4. Have you ever got pant for a present?
5.What’s the dominant colour of your pants?(Should I guess? Definitely not white. And please,am NOT talking from experience. I just know it.)
6.How many pants do you have? (Like seriously,go and count. You may be shocked.)
7. Why do youu wait until your pant has defied “Obioma’s” machine before changing it?
8. How many times should one wear aa pant before changing it? (I know peeps who wear one pant for three days,especially if they just bought it.
9. And last but most important question: why do women wear G-strings?

It was a cold afternoon during winter in Ajegunle sometime last year. Femi Olabode, a blonde lanky dude strolled into the Pawnshop along Wall Street road looking pale. The shop attendant, a fat chubby-cheeked man smiled at him, his teeth looking like the contents of a call girl’s handbag – rough and scattered.

“What can I do you for,Sire?” the attendant said.

Femi sighed,pulled out a cuban cigar from his breast pocket,lit same and took a heavy puff. After a while, he pulled out a picture from his pant pocket. “Know her? he said.

The shop attendant took a long look.
“Ummm, looks like Halima Usman, the daughter of the village goldsmith. What about her?”

“How much is her love?”

There was a short silence.

“But Sire,” said the attendant. “I thought you were engaged to Miss Funmi-Rice?”

Femi took a long and hard stare at the man, his eyes bloodshot red.

“Her love was fake. It expired yesterday. And I had just bought it!” He slammed at the counter.
The attendant shivered and fumbled with a bottle with red content. “Err err, am sorry sire. Here is Halimat’s love,” he said handing over the bottle to Femi.

Femi snatched the bottle from him and looked at it, scrutinising it. “How am I sure this is the original?”

“Its the last of her love left. We bought it from the last person she had given her love to – Mr Roland Azikiwe. Here is the receipt of purchase.”

Femi scrutinised the receipt. “Looks original,” he said.

“It is,” the attendant concurred. “Miss Halimat has sold all her love over the years and they have all been lost or crushed by her past lovers. We were lucky to get this one – the last of her love.”

“How much?”

“Umm, Sire you see, since its a very special love, being that it’s the last of its kind…..”

Femi interrupted with a roar. “I said how much is her love?!!”

“Oh oh, it will only cost you L5 (Five Love)…”

“Five Love? Whose and whose love?”

“We don’t want you to pay with the love of people you already know. These five loves are loves you will have in the future. Since you are yet to have them, we will just acquire the future loving rights from you.”

Femi took another puff at his cigarette.
“That’s too expensive. I can only offer L2 (Two Love)..”

“Four.”

“Three”

“Deal.”

The attendant produced a document from underneath his desk.

“Here is the Deed of Love,transferring all your reversionary three loves in the future to us…. You can sign here…..”

In no time, the contract was signed and Femi made his way out of the shop. He felt accomplished having just bought Halimat’s love. He didn’t care whose future love he had just traded for Halimat’s love. He wants to love Halimat so much. He had been wooing her in the last six months,begging for her to disclose how much her love would cost and where he could get it. She had remained non-compliant and difficult. Last week, he was ‘jonzing’ on the web when he came across the advert on www.love.com that her love was on sale at City People’s Love PawnShop in Ajegunle. He made his way from Ohafia in Abia State to Lagos, just for her love. He couldn’t wait to have her to himself. He couldn’t wait to her love before it expired.

*********************************************
There is a popular saying that everyone has a price. Does that include their love? Personally, I think any love that comes with a material price is as fake as the settings,plot and character in this piece.

But then,let’s just imagine love had a price, how much would your love cost?

“No one/Nothing has the right to make you unhappy without your consent.” – HaroldWrites

It was about 1:15pm yesterday when I got a call that ‘it’ was going down on friday the 17th of August 2012. Prior to the call, I was happily sipping at a pack of ‘Chi Happy Hour’ as I sat glued to my PC,watching Despicable Me(Why the surprise on your face? It is a cartoon,yeah ? Any Ps? I love cartoons more than puff puff FYI). As I was saying, a call came through and it had a message – I must travel out of Lagos in the next 24 hours,else I would miss ‘it’. The first thing I did was confirm the balance in my bank account. I had a meagre N20,000. Next,I logged online to book my flight to Uyo but I got the mother of all shocks. The fare to Uyo was N24,000!!!!! My brains started going gaga like Chuddy K. I had to raise an extra N4,000. Apart from that, I would also need money to board a cab to the airport as well as pay for ‘extra luggage.’ I made a few calls and in a few hours time, I had an extra N20,000 (making it N40,000 in all) in my account.
Feeling so fly,I strolled to one GT Bank’s ATM to withdraw N35,000. Guess what? I was told I had insufficient funds! I almost went berserk! I immediately contacted my bank to report the problem. By the time everything was fixed, I was too tired to book my flight. I had to wait till this morning.
As at 8:00am today, I was at the local wing of the Murtala Mohammed Airport. The queue at the ticketing counter was a bit discouraging. I had already given up when the bloke who helped with my luggage offered to help me book for my flight via a “backyard runs.” Out of desperation, I agreed (if only I had known…..). He demanded for my ID card. I obliged.
45 minutes later, no ticket, no ID card and the bloke wasn’t in sight. And guess what? The queue had long disappeared. I stood alone, angry at myself and the world. When the bloke finally arrived, he came with a frown.
“Sorry Oga,” he said handing back my ID Card. ” Nobody wan help me for inside.”
I looked at the dude,then at my ID Card but I couldn’t get angry. You know that feeling when you are so depressed that anger isn’t an option anymore? I just collected my ID card and joined a new queue which came into existence barely five minutes earlier. I bided my time and when it was my turn, guess what the attendant told me with a smile on her face?

“Am afraid Sir,but Uyo is fully booked.”
How worse could it get?! Thank God she had the right emotion that tallied with the situation – she was afraid on my behalf! I felt life was screwing me up. I asked for an alternate flight – to Calabar. She responded with the same answer. It was there and then I decided this was bull crap! I was going home and would travel the next day! I was feeling so low but decided I would surprise life. I refused to be screwed! A mental picture of a documentary I had watched (The Secret) came to mind. I decided I was going to have a nice time, despite what fate had to offer. And so I stormed out of the airport, got a cab and headed for an eatery close-by. I ensured the cab driver joined me and we both hung out like old friends. After the treat, I returned home, turned on my PC and watched “Battleship” (Go Riri!!! Go Riri!!!!!). After the movie, I picked up the book “Fellow Countrymen” by Richard Akinnola and read. It is a book on Coup d’etats in Nigeria. And after that, I made for my bed and slept off! It was the best sleep ever!
I woke up feeling so fresh and relaxed,then picked up my blackberry to make this post. I had just “defeated” Mr. Fate whose idea was to frustrate me and keep me low. Have you ever had a depressing moment like mine? How did you overcome it? Kindly drop a comment;I will like to know.

By Shannon

We don’t have to go to school, eat all our
vegetables or do what anybody says just
because they say so. We can buy all the
sugary cereals we want (so says the giant box
of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in my pantry),
stay up way past our bedtime and watch R-
rated movies.
But being an adult also has its downfalls.
All the things we dreamed of as children —
careers, houses, cars, etc. — come with hefty
price tags.
As a kid I had this board game called “Payday” that I absolutely loved. Players moved their pieces through a calendar month, trying to make money with risky investments while also paying for bills, groceries, and other incidentals depending on what spaces you landed on during the course of the game.
The goal was to get to the end of the month
without going broke so you could get your
“Payday” and start the month all over again.
I couldn’t figure out why my parents hated
playing that game with me until a few years
ago when my pal Toni hunted down a copy for
my birthday so we could relive our glory
days.
Five minutes in, I realized some sick
individual had made a game out of every
adult’s struggles to earn money while
covering our financial responsibilities.
That’s not a game, that’s just called being a
responsible grown-up and it blows.
What weirdo would make that into a fun
activity for kids?
How do you pay your bills, bills, bills?
Are you working nine to five (what a way to
make a living), at a full-time job outside of
writing? A lot of us author folks have no
choice but to work at a real job so we can
find a way to pay for the roofs over our
heads, clothes on our backs and food on our
tables.
But what if things were different?
What if we could all achieve that golden
dream of actually doing what we love for a
living?
The good news is it’s possible. The bad
news is, it ain’t easy.
To help you figure out if a financially
successful author career is for you, we’ve
put together six laws you must abide by if
you want a shot at having your cake and
eating it, too.

#1: BE REALISTIC
Start by figuring out how much money you
need to make each month to sustain
yourself. Don’t just add in the bills,
groceries, and gas – you have to have some
spending money as well (everybody needs a
movie ticket, new CD or new purse every once
in a while!).
Understand that while it may be
unreasonable to hope for Twilight-level
revenues, you can aim for and achieve a
decent monthly income with moderate sales,
but only if you learn to…

#2: BE PROFESSIONAL
Making the jump from writing as a hobby
to writing as a career requires a change
in mindset. Leave behind the notion that
writing is a passion you squeeze into your
spare time and acknowledge that you are
running a business.
You will have to get hands-on with all facets
of your career, not just the writing part.
From proofreading and editing to public
relations and marketing, you are the CEO
who makes the decision. Educate yourself
as much as possible so you can run your
business with the confidence of a visionary
leader.
What’s your first decision as CEO? Long
term success requires a line of products, not
just one.

#3: BE PROLIFIC
One book isn’t going to cut it. The best
business model for a career author
involves multiple books spaced out so that
each one builds off the momentum of the
last one like falling dominoes. Hook your
readers in with one book and keep them
coming back for more to sustain long term
sales and growth.
Your books don’t have to be part of a series,
but your genre and writing styles should be
similar so that your author brand becomes
familiar to your readers.
Not sure how you will have the time to do all
that? That’s why it’s a full-time job.

#4: BE DEDICATED
When you announce to your family that
you’re going to become a full-time author,
they will assume you plan to spend your days
sleeping in and shopping at Target. But right
in line with Law #2, a successful author has
to treat his/her career as a business and put
in the time accordingly.
You might not work from nine to five, but
you’ll definitely find at minimum that
forty hours a week split between
marketing and writing is necessary. You
may even need to put in a little more time,
especially in the beginning, to get your blog/
website/social media tools in order so that
you can begin building the foundation of your
writing career.
Don’t like marketing? Tough cookies, my
friend.

#5: BE POSITIVE
For career authors, marketing and writing
go hand-in-hand. You can’t get around it, so
just accept right now that you will have to
take the lead in promoting your books on and
off the internet. It will soak up part of your
writing time and drain some of your
resources, but it’s necessary.
Because it’s a required component, it’s best
to adopt a positive attitude about it from
the get-go and learn how to love your
marketing. It helps if you work on forming
relationships with your fans, instead of
feeling like you constantly have to sell to
them. Engage first, sell later!
And what happens on the days when you
just don’t feel like it’s working?

#6: BE PERSISTENT
Take the word “impossible” and toss it out
of your lexicon right now. If you plan to be
a career author you have to work hard for
that dream every day, rain or shine. It won’t
be easy, but it’s your dream and if you’re
willing to work for it, it can be achieved.
Push yourself and on the days when you run
out of energy, make sure you have a good
support team around you who will step in to
keep pushing.
If you can dream it, you can do it!
Being a full-time, financially successful
author is definitely within your realm of
possibility if you follow these six laws (and
probably a few more we haven’t thought of).
Are you currently trying to make it as a
full-time author or do you know someone
who is? What lessons have you learned along
the way? What would you do differently if
you had the chance?
If you’re dreaming of leaving your day job to
become a full-timer, what’s
holding you back? What goals can you set
for yourself to move closer to your
dream?

Culled from www.selfpublishingteam.com