Who is the perfect boyfriend?

black happy couple

The perfect boyfriend is not one who gives his girl the world. The perfect boyfriend is not one who catches a grenade for his girl. The perfect boyfriend is not one who lays his life down for his girl. The perfect boyfriend is not one who takes his girl to the moon and back.

Why?

Because none of the above is humanly possible. They are all figments of the imaginations of romance writers who have forced these lines on us over decades of literature consumption. They are mere clichés.

Who, then is the perfect boyfriend?

The perfect boyfriend is one who does the simplest things in amazing ways.

The perfect boyfriend sends his girl genuine romantic texts everyday. The perfect boyfriend surprises his girl with gifts (no matter how little) for no reason at all. The perfect boyfriend accompanies his girl to the beauty salon. The perfect boyfriend shops for groceries with his girl. The perfect boyfriend helps his girl out in the kitchen. Scratch that. The perfect boyfriend cooks with his girl in the kitchen. The perfect boyfriend leaves “Thank you” notes in his girl’s bag for whatever reason every now and then. The perfect boyfriend makes sure he has enough spare shirts and shorts at his place just in case his girl pops in and she did not come with any extra clothes. The perfect boyfriend maintains a clean, safe and hygienic living environment because he knows he is not a pig and his girl is not a maid who does the cleaning. The perfect boyfriend knows how to spoon his girl without breaking a sweat or breaking her neck. The perfect boyfriend knows how to kiss his girl without smearing her makeup or eating her lips. The perfect boyfriend does not secretly check his girl’s text messages because he knows he is not an FBI undercover agent seeking evidence to use against a crime suspect. The perfect boyfriend understands his girl needs her space sometimes. The perfect boyfriend reassures his girl at every given opportunity that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. The perfect boyfriend never makes a joke out of his girl’s insecurities. The perfect boyfriend does not slide into other girls’ DMs. The perfect boyfriend knows by heart, his girl’s shoe size, bra size, dress size, foundation type, lipstick make, powder brand, sanitary pad brand, hair relaxer type and shampoo brand. The perfect boyfriend does not just orally encourage his girl to follow her dreams or pursue her passion, but he advises, guides and supports her so she does not falter. The perfect boyfriend is not blunt with the truth if it will do more harm than good to his girl. No, the perfect boyfriend does not lie to his girl either. The perfect boyfriend tells the truth to his girl in a way she will be able to comprehend it.

Above all these, the perfect boyfriend prays for his girl every day.


Photo credit: 36ng.com.ng

 

100 reasons why we can’t work out

giphyHi,
It’s me. I was wondering if I could have a minute of your time. I’m sorry for having to communicate this via a letter. I was hoping we could talk about it, but we wouldn’t have the time. I can’t remember the last time we had the time to have a good talk about serious issues. Talking about serious things has become a sort of luxury for us. We have the time to talk about every other thing except serious issues affecting us. Well, I have improvised a medium to communicate this to you. I hope you have the time to read it to the end.
I surmise you would have garnered a clue for the essence of this letter from the subject. No, I am not breaking up with you. I still love you. I think. But sometimes, I think love is just not enough. I feel what we share may be heading for the rocks. You know, like Titanic heading for the iceberg. Who would have thought it, that something so strong and beautiful could ever disintegrate?
So without much ado, let me go straight to the purport of this letter.
1. We are perfect, but not perfect for each other.

I know our friends adore us; they literally worship our relationship. They tell us how they envy our love. They send us pings, confessing their admiration for our recently uploaded BBM profile pictures. They enter our DMs, telling us how they appreciate our tweeted quotes on love. They like our pictures on Instagram and Facebook. They see us at social gatherings on weekends, holding hands, and they tell us how much that inspired them.

Our families  – oh our families. They can’t wait to hear when we’ll be tying the knot. They know we are meant for each other.

Our colleagues at work keep talking about how much we call each other during working hours. Our love must be so deep, they say.

Maybe they are right. Maybe they are wrong, but you and I know we are in a strange place.

I like cuddling while I sleep. It makes me sleep better, but cuddles are not your thing. You would rather spread on the bed. It makes you comfortable. I don’t like how you spread.

I like preserving left over foods in the fridge. You don’t like frozen foods.

I like the Rose air fresher for the room. It makes me happy. The smell makes you vomit. You prefer a scent of lavender. I hate lavenders.

I love visiting friends on weekends. You would rather sleep at home.

I was brought up in an Orthodox church and would want to continue there. You were brought up in a Pentecostal and nothing would make you leave.

I don’t like your short hair. I prefer a woman who keeps long hair. You don’t like my little pot belly. You wish I worked out more.

I don’t like onions in my soup. But onions in soup, is the soup to you.

I prefer texting. You prefer calling.

So you see, we could be perfect in the eyes of others, but we are not perfect for each other.

2. Our career paths.

Remember when I got this job at the big auditing firm? You were happy for me, but sad that it took most of my time. I had to be out of the house before the cock crowed and wouldn’t be back until midnight. Sometimes I slept over at the office. I convinced you everything would be fine. The job was paying well and we needed the money. I promised to look for a more convenient job after five years.

Well, just as the five year ultimatum was closing in really fast, you informed me you got an irresistible job offer at that Multinational. Your dream job.

Hmm.

You know what your job description entails, right? You will literally live on the road. I know I was happy for you when you told me about the job, but you and I know it won’t augur so well for our relationship in the long run.

3. Our chastity resolve.

When we started dating, we resolved to remain chaste until our wedding night. We knew it was the best thing to do. Or so we thought.  We did not want our skin fusion to muddle up our real feelings for each other. We also did not want to offend God.

We held on for so long, kept our sides of the bargain.

Until that night.

I know we did not actually skin-fuse, but what we did, was close enough. Ever since then, we have continued in the act. We may not have skin-fused, but how long can we hold on until we finally do?

I stumbled on your diary the other day. I read your entry for the 5th of November. You said you were unhappy. You were unhappy about what we have been doing.

It made you want more.

It made you not want more.

You were not sure what we were doing. But you continued.

We should not have to live that way.
4. Our backgrounds.

You are from the North. I am from the West.

I know we already talked about this, even before we started dating. I know we agreed this wouldn’t be a problem. In fact, it hasn’t been a problem. We have circumvented everything that could have been a barrier. For example, our language of communication. We have settled for English. Well, we had no choice. It was always going to be English.

One other thing that could have been a barrier was the blessings of our families. But our families know we are dating and they are cool with it. Their paramount concern is our happiness. Wow. That should settle everything, right? But it hasn’t.

Being from different worlds has far reaching consequences than we could imagine. Have you considered the future? Our children? Our children’s children? I have.

When we have children – if we have our children, how do we want to raise them? Your Northern values are different from our values in the West. Should we super-impose our respective values on our children? Or let them choose which one to follow?

If we let them decide for themselves, there could be a conflict or friction in the home, especially when some of our children decide to follow one parent’s values and the others decide to follow the second parent’s values.

How about the language thing? Will our children also speak just English? How long before they forget their roots? What becomes of their own children?

A friend told me about his cousins who were raised in America. They have lived all their lives there that they aren’t sure if their parents’ country is Nigeria or Africa.

I know this is a long call as it relates to us, but I’m sure you get my point.

 

5. Wait. There’s a knock on the door.

No, “There’s a knock on the door” is not one of the 100 reasons why we can’t work out, Silly. I’m saying there’s a knock on my door. I think my neighbour is out of cooking gas.
Again.

Hang in there whilst I go lend him my gas bottle.

Oh. It’s not my neighbour. It’s the courier service delivering a letter to the wrong apartment.

I think I should give this letter to him to deliver to you before I change my mind about sending it.

I shall forward the concluding part of this letter to you on a future date.

Until then….

Yours,

Me.

*Addendum: I have just quickly scanned through this letter and I realise I did not refer to you in any pet name, save for Silly. I am sorry. It just feels weird that, for a long time now, we haven’t called ourselves those “mushy mushy” names we used to when we started dating. And me addressing you by any of those names in this letter would be plain hypocritical. You know I still love you, right? But maybe, ………………………………………………

My Romantic Rules of Engagement for a hitch-free World Cup Season.

My love,

It is with great pleasure and a deep sense of responsibility that I write you this letter. I trust your night was awesome. I am sorry I could not make it home last night. I could say that I was working overnight in the office, but you would know I am lying. I was re-scheduling my diary for the next one month. That brings me to why I am writing this heart-felt letter.

As you already know, the World Cup starts today. Yes, the one I have been talking about in the last few weeks. Baby, isn’t this exciting?! The World Cup actually starts today! Whew! So I have written down a few understandings you and I will have during this period. I know you love me and you’ll do anything for me, right? Remember how I stood by you and endured you during the BBA last year? Yeah baby. This is my BBA and I expect you to stand by me. You will stand by me, baby. Right? Right.
So, here we go:

dv18190401. If you call my line twice and I don’t pick, don’t call it the third time. I am not dead. I am watching a game. And oh, don’t expect me to return your call immediately. I am watching a game. If you call me the third time, baby, I will block your number. I love you.

2. If I don’t return home on time or if I don’t return home at all, no baby, I have not been kidnapped. I am watching a game at a sports bar or I must have crashed at a friend’s place after watching the game. Please don’t ping me incessantly, asking if I’m safe. I will delete you with love.

3. We can’t attend any parties or events on Saturdays. My Saturdays have been fully booked. I will be working overtime at my friends’ place. Don’t call my friends to confirm. They have my instruction to block your number.

4. If I return home on time, the only chats we’ll be having will be football-related. No, don’t tell me what the Landlady did. Or what your boss said to you at work. Unless he said something about football. Baby, you know the world has been clamouring for gender equality? I have come to agree with these clamours. During the next one month, you can take charge of everything in this house – fix whatever is broken, give the house a make-over, pay the bills, empty the trash can, arrange for Baba Tobi to come and fix the plumbing works, take your car to the mechanic workshop…and mine too, do the garden etc etc. Don’t discuss with me before taking any decision. I love you and I know you can handle stuff by yourself.

 

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5. The sitting room and its ‘hereditaments’ belong to me for the next one month. I have ordered for a new TV to be placed in the bedroom. Baby, you can have it all to yourself. I love you that much. Just don’t tamper with the sitting room TV or the DSTV decorder/remote. If you must visit me in the sitting room, kindly enter and leave without a hush, like the proverbial thief in the night. I must not hear your footsteps. I mean it.

6. No. Your friends can’t come visiting during that period. Unless they are male friends, then they have my blessings. And when they come, they’ll be restricted to the sitting room. If I sight a female friend walk into the compound, I will accidentally feed Bruno, our dog with beans and dry gin and I will thereafter, accidentally release him. And he will accidentally bite her.

 

food

7. This will be our food roster for the next one month:

Breakfast: Any food you decide to prepare.
Lunch: Don’t worry, bae. I’ll be fine.
Dinner: See Lunch above.

8. You will support any team I support. We have always had things in common, right? It must remain that way this next 30 days. If you scream the name of a team I don’t support, even by mistake, you are moving out of the house. I am not joking.

sad black guy

9. If my team loses and I feel bad, you must feel bad with me. If I laugh, you must laugh with me. If I’m pissed at a Ref, you must be pissed at that Ref. Anything short of this, then the house-keeping money for next month will be short too. And our planned vacation to Dubai during the hols will be cancelled indefinitely. Baby, don’t test me.

productivity-sticky-notes

10. I bought a sticker note and a pen. This will be our mode of communicating during the next 30 days whenever I’m not at work. Tell/ask me whatever you want to on the sticker notes. However, you are only restricted to use one page per day. And I reserve the right to reply in whatever manner, language or abbreviation I want. If I write “K” it means “K” and “end of that discussion.” If I write “No” it means “think of another option and execute it without involving me any further.” If I write “LMFAO” and I keep the straightest of faces, baby, ni tori Olorun, joor keep away from me for at least two days.

Baby, I hope the foregoing is sufficient to ensure we have a smooth relationship this next 30 days. You know I have listening ears? So, I am open to any reservations you may have about any of the foregoing terms and conditions.

Kindly document your reservations in the box below.

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Love,
Harold.